Can Tom Cruise Retire Already?

First and foremost I should be upfront about my total unabashed hatred for Tom Cruise. He has a stupid looking face and is legit crazy. Normally I boycott all things Cruise, but I’m a damn good girlfriend. When Boyfriend wants to see a movie, I go see that movie. He had to pay though because I cannot financially support Tom Cruise *shakes fist*.

In an effort to push past my blinding hatred for the lead actor, my review of this movie is anything but glowing. I love a good bad movie. Big Trouble in Little China, any and all Fast and Furious movies, The Room, the original Mummy movies….but this movie was just bad. It was confused and cliche to a fault. I’ve heard from several sources that this is supposed to be a reboot of the 1930s mummy movies and not the Brendan Fraisier movies. However, this movie makes clear references to the Fraisier movies. So I’m a little confused, is it in the same world? Was the reference tongue in cheek? Does the writer even know?!

What was the reason for the split pupil? Other than some very obvious fan service for some mildly interesting special effects. But ultimately it was a dud for me. This movie was an overly sold introduction to a new world of movies from Universal. The “Dark Universe” full of monsters and gods from Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. They should have spent more time focusing on this story than setting up for a sequel.

Which brings me to my biggest complaint. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde has always, sadly, been a side story in the movies recently. In Van Helsing and now Mummy, he is nothing more than a low level side monster meant to barely move along the plot. To me, his story is worth a very interesting movie of his own. A modern retelling that focuses on a family friendly physician with a dark nightly routine searching for immortality. His alter ego becoming some delightfully insane criminal mob boss. His story is rich and untold. He deserves more than a poorly written side character. It was so painfully obvious that this movie was a set up for a bigger universe that I could barely enjoy a poorly executed movie.

Another forced love story, hollywood is so devoid of originality that even the easiest of plot devices has become annoying. Jenny was a poorly written character that added nothing to the movie. In one seen she’s calling for the mummy’s death and immediately in the next scene she is appalled that they plan to kill her. WTF. She hates Tom Cruise, She loves Tom Cruise. She’s a simple archaeologist (who has no desire to preserve or properly catalog apparently) and then she’s a part of a secret monster police force. She’s a weak character and an embarrassment to women everywhere.

Jake Johnson is a favorite of mine. I’ve enjoyed him in a number of roles….his reasoning behind taking this dump of a role better be good. His comedic voice was misused in this movie. His lines were awkwardly placed and uncomfortable to witness. His character made no sense. Waste.

Ultimately, this movie only further cemented my hatred of Tom Cruise. Overall score: Not Even on the Grading Scale. Straight to VHS. No need to watch. Don’t waste your money or even worse your time.

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