Paladin for the Win

Set the scene:

My company of vagabonds stumble into a dungeon holding only god knows what before us. Our lantern stretches out before us as our sturdy punch-happy monk leads the way. Light barely reaching more than a few feet before us when we hear claws scraping the stone floor, a swoosh of air ruffles through our clothes as a flame shoots out above our heads. Towering before us is a 30-foot smoke dragon. Fiery breath warms us even as our blood runs cold. SCATTER!

Reality:

There are 6 friends gathered around a table ready to face the dragon before us as battle music begins to rise in the background. HEY! I have a dragon slaying sword!! I’m pretty sure this is gonna be my fight! I’m super stoked because I’m still so new that I barely fight and mostly just stab things in my field. But I can feel it this time. My time has come. Unfortunately my initiative is low. So I wait patiently for my turn to hopefully strike a deafening blow.

Scene:

As we make our first ineffective strikes the dragon flies away towards a corner and covers himself and surroundings in magical darkness. A darkness so dark nothing can pierce it. Teammates are caught in the darkness, hurt and crying out for help. I step forward, gripping my sword tight and steadying myself for a long shot. I charge into the darkness shouting for them to get down as I aim high. As a paladin it is my duty to charge ahead and battle the forces of evil. Sadly, I trip over my teammate and splay out on the ground mere feet from the dragon’s talons. Victory is not yet mine.

Reality:

I ROLLED A STUPID ONE! Ugh!!

Scene:

The dragon towers above us as we ready ourselves to be struck down. Alas, we are saved as the dragon flies towards a larger group of our comrades. Ending the darkness but forcing a cloud of disease on those who charge towards it. The group gives it all we’ve got. Necromancer fights with life to hopefully damage the undead dragon but it seems to be healing! Luckily our team notices and attacks with greater healing potions to inflict as much damage as we can. It still breathes deadly fire as the wounds have barely breached its outer defenses. I steady myself, kneeling in prayer, calling upon my god for divine favor to smite this evil plaguing us. I focus my channeled divinity and rise as the dragon once again plunges us all into darkness but now, I can see him. My god shines down on me with the ability to see him even in this magical darkness. I rise and face the dragon.

“IN THE NAME OF CORELLON LARETHIAN I SMITE THEE!!” I charge towards it sword at the ready. Suddenly a shock wave of thunderous noise reaches me and my feet falter. I look to my left as the bard sends his one offensive attack towards the dragon.

Reality:

Really dude?! We have concurrent turns but I’ve been going first because I HAVE THE DRAGON SLAYING SWORD!!!!!! I have channeled divinity, I have charged forward, I am poised to slay and you interrupt me to PLAY A THUNDEROUS CHORD!?! YOU ARE A BARD. STAY OUT OF MY WAY. Oh and look 7 damage…congratu-freakin-lations you loser.

Scene:

I recover quickly and resume my battle cry as I leap into the air driving my sword into the belly of the beast with such force that I rip its stomach open spilling it’s guts out. As the beast falls with a roar on its lips I strike upwards sending my second strike upwards through its skull striking it dead. As it lay there, the smoke dies away to reveal red scales. I kneel once again to pray and thank my god. I rise and look at the slain red dragon, “BOO YA MOTHER TRUCKER!”

Reality:

NATURAL 20!!! ALLLLLLL THE DAMAGE! The dragon is slain, the dice have fallen. My chest is heaving as I cheer for my first victory in DnD. My first boss defeat. My first natural 20. My eyes meet the guy who plays the bard and they narrow. He knows what he did. I over killed the dragon so much your silly Thunder-wave meant NOTHING. VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!!

High fives all around. And in this moment I have fully accepted my new life in Nerdville. No wonder people play this game it’s exhilarating.

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